Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
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