I heard we made out
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
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