Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
