Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
