you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
