There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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