You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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