i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
