I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
