I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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