Dude my mom stole all your condoms
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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