I think my vagina is haunted
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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