Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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