Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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