Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
