she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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