everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
