I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize