I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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