TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
please come you make the beer taste better
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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