Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize