a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize