I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
