u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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