you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It's shark week go big or go home
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
