i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
