the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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