Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
