I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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