did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
