Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
