i'm signing you up for texting rehab
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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