I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
