I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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