He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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