my phone needs a breathalizer
Four minutes until I can fart!
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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