i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
