You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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