it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
