what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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