Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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