I think i peed on brittanys purse
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
