I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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