I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize