I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
