i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
