My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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