I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
