You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
