I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
