I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
