To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
