..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
