You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
