Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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